Dream Big

It’s no secret, I’m a cheerleader for wanting what we want. For allowing ourselves the freedom of liking what we like and owning, celebrating, and expressing our joy as both creators and consumers. I write and speak about these topics regularly, and it’s right there in my bio, I’m a fierce believer in following our dreams. I’ve always felt that way, but didn’t always live that way.

Image by Ashkan Forouzani

When I was younger, I spent quite a lot of time with the adults in my communities. They’d ask me about my life’s plans and often when I’d mention something I thought would be cool, I’d be told variations of, “well, isn’t that nice” and get the energetic equivalent of a condescending pat on the head. It was also not uncommon to have those interactions followed up with reminders that I didn’t want to get too big for my britches.

I hated that phrase.

For those of you not from the South (USA), being “too big for your britches” and “too big for your boots” are idioms from the 1800’s that mean someone is conceited, over-confident, or thinks “too highly” of themselves. It’s an insult. And in the South, warnings about not wanting to be that way (too big for your britches) were often used as a limiter when I was younger (And maybe still are? I don’t know, I’ve blown them off). A caution given, particularly to women, to “remember your place” and play within certain ideas and boundaries.

It encourages playing small.

In my case, it felt like my ambitions were being vilified every time I heard that phrase. And in truth, I didn’t want to be “too big for my britches” not on any level – whether metaphoric or literal – and I learned to hide my true passions, dreams, desires and even my gifts under the veneer of whatever was deemed socially acceptable at the time out of fear of somehow being seen as being too big for my britches. Or, I just set them aside all together, thinking that if wanting something for myself meant I was too big for my britches, the thing I wanted must not be a good thing, or that it was somehow beyond me.

What a bunch of lies.

I lived for years beholden to the misguided belief that wanting something for myself that wasn’t within the prescribed traditions of Southern femininity, or went cattywampus to the ideals of my communities was not only wrong, it meant I thought more highly of myself than I should. I spent years believing that ambition was wrong, that having ambition for something beyond my current reality meant I was thinking I was somehow better than others. Which is, of course, complete bollocks (for you Southerners, that means BS).

Now, I need to take a moment here to take ownership of the role I played in my own oppression. No one actively came out and said any of that to me. These were things I absorbed and the stories I created to make sense of my experiences. Whether my interpretation was what was actually intended or not is a moot point though. The reality is, I allowed these thoughts to dictate my approach to life for years (and if I’m honest, I’m still working on reprogramming from time to time).

Image by Jon Tyson

It never occurred to me that said proverbial britches could actually grow as I grew, and then I wouldn’t be outgrowing (or being too big for) anything. Rather, I’d be expanding my skillset and my reality as I pursued my ambitions, and my “britches” would be growing in accordance with my work. Instead, out of fear of somehow being too big for my britches, I didn’t do anything at all for a while. I hung out in a limbo of my own making, afraid of my own ambitions because I’d somehow put a moral judgement on them – all the while thinking I was doing right by society’s standards.

Thank goodness for Marcus Aurelius.

That dude, and Seneca and Epictetus, and Zeno and a slew of other Stoic philosophers helped me see that there are always (at least) two things happening in a given situation – the facts, and the stories we tell ourselves about them.

The facts, adults had opinions on my ideas and dreams and shared their concerns with me in ubiquitously Southern ways (for the record, they also say “well, bless your heart” instead of “WTH are you thinking/doing?” in the South). The stories, I took the adults’ responses and made myself and my desires wrong.

How wonderful that we are responsible for our thoughts and we get to reframe and rewrite our stories at any moment. I’m so glad I’ve rewritten (and am rewriting, let’s be honest, it’s an ongoing process) the narratives around my ideas and dreams so I could actually move toward them and make them reality.

Truly, the ownership of desire is a foundational key to creating anything.

I’ve been in several discussions with friends, colleagues and clients lately regarding various details of desire. A colleague wants a certain experience, a composer wants a certain vibe, an editor wants a certain word count, a friend wants a certain restaurant, a DJ wants a certain beats per minute, etc. None of these desires are wrong, and all of them are people expressing their ambitions with a mind toward a certain outcome.

Ambition is vital to life – especially a creative life. Otherwise, we just get what we get (another Southern phrase aimed at conformity, “you get what you get and you don’t get upset”). Without ambition, without desires, we exist in someone else’s dream.

I’ve known many people who’ve had big dreams that have gone for them, stepping on the path and taking actions in alignment with their ambitions. And, I’ve known many who’ve never taken a single step toward what they desire, in some cases, they’ve not even acknowledged what they want. And as a pied piper of following your dreams, that seems like a travesty to me.

Is it scary to follow your dreams? Sure. Is it challenging? Often. Is it rewarding? Absolutely. There is so much opportunity for growth in the process of following our ambitions, so much awesomeness in doing the work to turn desire into reality.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Without ambition one starts nothing. Without work one finishes nothing. The prize will not be sent to you. You have to win it.”

Here’s to celebrating our ambitions. To silencing the inner critics (and ignoring the external ones) who would have us play small. To letting our britches grow with us as we take steps in the direction of our desires and dreams, and to all the adventures along the way.