But Why

With the dropping of the ball, the flipping of a page, and the ushering in of a new calendar year, there is all kinds of messaging around “the new” right now.

The clean slate. The fresh start.

This is that weird time of year where we think about how we’d like things to go. We may even set “resolutions” for all the things we hope to do over the next twelve months.

All those skills we’re going to learn, those habits we’re going to shift, those experiences we’re going to have, the standards we’re going to hold ourselves to, the dragons we’ll finally slay.

I find it fascinating how a large portion of the world comes together in this season to reflect on what has come before and envision what they hope to come next. How even though the “new year” is really just another imaginary line in the endless continuity of time, it can be quite propulsive for so many.

It’s such an interesting thing really. Goals at any other time of the year tend to fall more in the SMART category (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-bound in case you’re not familiar with the acronym), they’re usually around something outcome related like the completion of a project. But for some reason, goals set at the top of the year, while still looking toward a desired outcome, often aren’t rooted in true desire at all. New year goals are often rooted in “shoulds” and shames.

We tell ourselves we “should” do something because that’s what we do this time of year. We look at what happened last year, and make plans to do things differently. Often these plans, these resolutions, aren’t even truly ours. They’re actually coming from someone else’s ideas about what constitutes a well-lived life. And thanks to societal programming, our “shoulds” can often come with, or from, a kernel of shame. We think by working on “that thing,” it’ll help us feel or look important. Help us fit in or be admired. Give our lives more meaning, maybe even fill a hole in our soul.

I’m not saying setting goals or working toward what you want is bad (it isn’t). What I’m saying is before we set the goal, before we choose that thing to work toward, it would behoove us to take some time to really evaluate the “why” of it. Are we choosing to focus on this particular thing because we think we “should,” or because we truly want to? Is our reason for choosing this goal or focal point coming from a place of true personal desire? Or are we simply making the goals we think we “should” make in order for us to feel or look or be “better”?

Here’s a loving reminder:

You are not a broken thing to be fixed.

And no amount of acting from a base of shame will ever fill a soul. We cannot guilt ourselves into “goodness.” We cannot hate ourselves strong (or smart, or thin, or enlightened). We cannot disgust ourselves to beauty or resent ourselves to contentment. We cannot control what others think of us. We cannot abdicate our well-being for the sake of some “should.”

We cannot feign our way to freedom.

We cannot hurt ourselves whole.

And we cannot curate the life of our dreams by following other people’s prescriptions, ideas, or desires for us.

No one else can tell you what your dream or goal is, and no one else can tell you your “why.” That’s an inside job.

So, whether you’re into choosing a word, setting intentions, making outright resolutions, or something else altogether, I hope you’ll take a moment to consider “the why” behind whatever possibilities you’d like to entertain and work toward in this next season of your life. After all, you are the creator of your own reality. Imagine what could be when you actually own what YOU want and take inspired action from there.

In the words of rapper and author, Russ, “Trust the what. F**k the when. Never forget the why.”

Trust yourself as the powerful creator that you are (you’re creating your own reality every day!). Don’t worry about the timing of things, and make your “why” your own.

Here’s to the pleasure of a life fully-lived and to forming goals based in your own dreams and desires.