Inside Job

I’m in Kaua’i again this week. I adore this island. I’ve written before about how the land feels sentient here, how it’s a place of renewal and delight for me. A safe place for being and allowing, for recalibration. Most of the time when I come here, I’m with family for vacation. This time, I’m here for a conference.

I’ve been to many conferences in my lifetime both as a participant, and as a presenter, but this is my first in-person conference as a writer. So far, I’m loving the vibe. Yesterday was my first day of masterclasses and not only did I meet some wonderful people there, I had a spectacularly synchronistic experience with one of the writing prompts.

We already know I’m a fan of joyful exploration and my teachers kicked off our class with an inquiry that had us doing a 3 minute free write on our intentions for the class and the conference, asking what we were seeking and what we’d like to take away. I love a good free write and I went for it with gusto. All in, as is often my way. What I wrote didn’t surprise me, but the process was illuminating. If I’d been given that prompt last year, I would have had very different answers.

Last November, I was scheduled to go to the Kauai Writers Conference. I’d never been to a writing conference before but had felt drawn to this one in particular, probably because of my love affair with Kaua’i, and was gifted the trip by my family in support of my author dreams. The conference didn’t end up happening in person last year and was instead moved to an online format with credits issued for this fall. And I have to say, a year has made a world of difference. It is the same conference, and many of the same presenters and class offerings are on the schedule for this year. But I am different. I’ve grown (and outgrown) personally and in my writing journey and have come to this conference with a completely different outlook and expectations than I was approaching it with last year.

I’d already been in a space of noticing the shifts, and celebrating how much I’ve grown. But yesterday in class, doing the free write, the point was driven home further. Last year, I was still so new at novel writing. I hadn’t even shared with many people that I was writing at all. Though I wouldn’t have said it then, in hindsight I was heading into the conference from a place of lack – lack of knowledge, lack of experience, lack of connections, lack of belief in the viability of “making it” as an author (I didn’t even know what that meant for me at the time). I was heading into it seeking validation and permission and a plan. I wanted someone to tell me what to do and how to be. I wanted to be shown “the way.” I wanted “the secret", or entry into the magic, or maybe some magic to rub off on me or something – I didn’t really know. And of course, you don’t know what you don’t know, right? I have so much grace and love for 2021 Sarah. She was doing the best she could with what she had in the moment, and that’s all any of us can do. It’s what I still do. And while I’m all for honoring our capacity, it’s also worth noting that our capacity changes as we do. Just like our skill set.

And none of us are who we were a year ago.

Thank goodness for that. Now, back to the prompt in my writing class. I realized that if I were to have done a free write on that same prompt last year, I’d have had a very different stream of consciousness than I did yesterday. Thanks to doing the inner work, as well as continuing to grow as a creator, I’m no longer coming from a place of lack, but one of curiosity. I’m no longer seeking validation or permission for my work as writer, I’ve learned that’s an inside job. And so is the magic. It doesn’t rub off or come from outside. It’s not something someone can give you and it’s not specific to one artform or another. We all have magic. We ARE magic. We have only to own it.

And as for being shown “the secret” or “the way”? There isn’t a secret, and there isn’t one way. Just like in every other aspect of life, there are many paths to the same destination and many experiences along the journey. Each of us will have our own unique ways of getting there (wherever “there” is), and the way forward isn’t always linear.

The fact that I am where I am today is a testament to showing up and doing the work. To surrounding yourself with people who inspire and encourage. To holding your feet to the fire and calling yourself on your bull. I’m no longer coming from a place of lack in my intentions for this conference. What I seek and what I hope to take away this year are fueled by confidence and curiosity. Do I still have things to learn? Absolutely! I still don’t know what I don’t know. And that is one of the beauties of life.

I’m grateful for all it. The doubts and the confidence. The hard-earned lessons, and the gifts along the way. I’m also grateful for writing prompts. If I hadn’t sat with my intentions for this conference, I’m not sure I would have realized just how much my inner landscape has shifted in the past year. I wouldn’t have seen so clearly the connection between inner work and outer experiences and I might have missed celebrating some wins.

Regardless of where we are on our journeys it’s good to take time and reflect on how far we’ve come in our lives and in our art. To see how our perceptions have shaped our realities and to celebrate the freedom to explore new ways of thinking and being. It might be challenging to notice or remember sometimes, but the truth is that wherever we are in our thoughts and in our lives, there is something for us there. Each of us is in the right place at the right time. We are the magic. And our paths are only made by walking.