Confessions Of A Baker

Photo by Brooke Lark

I make a mean brownie. My recipe involves three sticks of butter and seven eggs, it’s no joke. I used to bake all sorts of things, banana bread (my recipe involves flax and oat bran so even though it also has a stick of butter and some sugar, I pretend it’s “healthy”), cookies, cakes, and pies. I even had a scone kick for a while (nectarine scones are awesome, I’m just saying).

An early pandemic cake

I used to stress bake.

There was a season in my life when my stress level could be directly visualized in the amount of baked goods I created while processing said stress. Somehow, between the throwing of the ingredients into the bowl, the whisking, mixing and/or kneading them into a batter or dough, and the actual bake time, I’d transmute my frustration, confusion and anxieties into something delectable. Then, I’d share my creations with the world, dropping some by the local fire station, or my son’s school, or sending them with my husband to share with his office. I’d even take some to work and share with my colleagues. And if a friend happened to be over when I was actively baking, I’d send some with them, straight from the oven.

Yes, my stress baking benefitted many and was a coping and processing method that served me well for years. When the pandemic hit and everyone was told to stay home, however, I found stress baking to be less helpful. Sure, I’d still feel more grounded through the process of making madeleines or layer cakes, but instead of being able to share them with others, they sat beautifully on their pedestals, inviting me and my little family to consume them. Obviously, that couldn’t continue. Instead of just dropping the habit (one I’d had for decades), I decided I’d just try baking things that didn’t involve as much butter or flour. I’m not going to lie, “healthier choices” for baked goods didn’t interest me as much. I mean, the whole point of a baked good is to be GOOD. I’ve never had a good croissant that didn’t have several sticks of butter folded into it. Speaking of butter, there is something incredibly satisfying to me about creaming butter and sugar together. I absolutely love the way they soften into each other and the way the butter takes on a lighter hue as it becomes one with the sugar and the air. I honestly hadn’t noticed I enjoyed that facet so much until I wasn’t doing it anymore. I eventually found another equally soothing option though in egg whites.

A relatively recent macaron attempt

Have you ever made a meringue? There is something so gratifying in seeing what originally appears to be translucent slime turn into a glorious, fluffy white cloud. It’s like magic, but science is cool like that. In the beginning, I tried the whisking thing on my own and found my arms were no match for the level required to make a kick-ass meringue by hand. (I hired a trainer who does remote coaching not long after that discovery and that decision lead to a host of other adventures, and an overhaul of my garage, but that is a topic for another day.) Eventually, I decided to use a stand mixer on the egg whites. I mean, if you have the tools use them, right? Even with the stand mixer doing the heavy whisking work on the egg whites (whipping them to perfection I might add), my early macaron attempts were rather depressing. In the end, I released my perceived need for stress baking and turned to other avenues for coping with and processing my stress. It’s actually kind of comical to me now how little I find myself baking at all these days. In some ways, it’s like I’m baked out. Like how one day, Forrest Gump just decided to stop running and do something else.

Full disclosure, we’re in the triple digits here in Central Texas (like 37-43 C for those of you not in the US). So, while I do still occasionally make brownies for my guys (because they like them, nothing to do with processing stress), and I’m still working on my macaron game (because I love macarons), I’ve little desire to turn an oven on right now. I’m also incredibly grateful for air conditioning. And fans. And shade. And ice. It’s hot ya’ll. But I digress…

Our ways of coping, and even of processing, can shift and change with time. What serves us (and others) one day, may not another. My stress baking worked when I was able to share the delicious end of result of my preferred (at the time) processing method. But when situations changed, I had an opportunity to change as well. I’m glad I did (so is my trainer). Here’s to finding opportunities in the midst of challenge, and to making the shifts necessary to be our best selves.