Not Guilty
Image by Ilias Bronskiy
I’ve met some incredible people and had some fascinating interactions lately. I’ve also noticed a few trends in conversations and find myself continually processing information and revisiting my own personal beliefs and ways of being.
One thing is for sure – I will ALWAYS advocate for following our joy.
Image by Elias Maurer
I’ve written before about liking what we like. I’m a huge advocate for embracing all aspects of ourselves and celebrating the things that we enjoy without guilt or shame. While that seems like an easy concept, the reality of actualizing that can be multi-layered and, at times, challenging.
When I was younger, I got the impressions from the world around me that certain types of stories – particularly genre fiction – were somehow not “real” books. Someone actually told me (in reference to a sci-fi book I enjoyed) that “those types of books” were for people who couldn’t handle “intellectual and interesting books.” Which of course shocked me. I mean, I know that the book wasn’t hard science, but it dealt with quantum physics and accretion disks (and political intrigue and a race for resources) and required some intelligence to read. In college, when I shared with friends about a romance book I was enjoying, they told me they couldn’t believe I read “that fluff” and thought I was “smarter than that” since I’d discussed literary fiction with them before.
I’ve been to a few different conferences and retreats for writers as an adult and had similar reactions to the fact that I write and read genre fiction (particularly romance). I’ve actually lost track of the number of times people have openly jabbed at the genre, only to independently, and privately, tell me it’s actually their “guilty pleasure.” To which I respond, I don’t believe in those. I believe in taking ownership of the things that delight us - no guilt, only pleasure.
For those who don’t really know what “guilty pleasure” means, a guilty pleasure is indulging (or taking pleasure) in something that’s labeled as “bad.” In most cases, the idea of good/bad here is based on some internalized hierarchy of perceived acceptance, and a fear of judgement.
Guilty pleasures only exist when we feel like what we’re doing will be judged by someone else as wrong, bad, or unacceptable, and we are not okay with that judgement.
Without that, we simply have pleasures.
Image by Elias Maurer
People will think whatever they will think. But oftentimes, the potential of judgement (and the fear of it) becomes so internalized, that we end up judging ourselves and, in many cases, shutting down or minimizing ourselves, our preferences, and our desires without consciously realizing we’re doing it. We label things as “guilty pleasures” in an attempt (whether conscious or unconscious) to minimize ourselves and our delight ahead of someone else’s potential judgement.
This minimizing isn’t just relegated to the idea of pleasure. These internalized hierarchies exist in several areas of our lives, showing up in the ways we judge ourselves and/or anyone or anything else as “better than” or “worse than.” And they also show up in the ways we talk about our lives and our work. The ways we dismiss, evade, and/or defend our actions, thoughts, and ways of being.
When we say things like, “I’m not a real writer, I’m not published or anything.” Or “I know it’s silly, but I like it.” Or “I shouldn’t have this, it’s so decadent.” Or “My art’s not great, but it’s fun.” Or “It’s not much, but…” and other similar comments, we are judging ourselves before anyone else, minimizing whatever we’re sharing, undercutting its potential impact. And this self-judgement leads to guilt and a sense of not-enoughness, which is bollocks.
Sometimes it may seem harmless calling ourselves silly for liking what we like. It may seem harmless downplaying our creations or even parts of ourselves to avoid potential judgement from another. But it is not.
Any time we place conditions and judgements on our sense of self and what we love, we diminish our own light. When we subscribe to the internalized hierarchies of good and bad or enough and too much, we hem ourselves in and limit our own growth and potential. We limit ourselves and others when we judge, especially when we judge the things that bring us joy.
Pleasure is a powerful tool for resourcing our nervous systems, which enables us to better handle life and be of service to humanity. From Hallmark movies to Tuvan throat singing, there is nothing bad or wrong about our preferences, dreams, and desires. We like what we like for a reason.
Here’s to dropping the judgment and allowing ourselves the pleasure of liking what we like and allowing ourselves to enjoy it. No guilt, only pleasure.